Could your relationship survive without sex? Four Kiwi women on how they make it work

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Couples share how they keep their relationships strong through non-sexual intimacy. Photo / Getty Images
This story was first published in June.
Four women tell Sinead Corcoran Dye the truth about hanging on to love when it seems the spark has died
Sarah, 34, midwife

At the beginning of the year, I got really sick
so my husband and I moved into separate beds so we could both get a good night’s sleep away from snoring and sweating and night fevers. We just needed space to spread out and get a night of real rest.

That was four months ago and we’re still in separate beds. We slept in the same bed again a few weeks ago and neither of us got much sleep so it works so much better for us for now in so many ways. We definitely don’t plan on it being a forever thing – but it hasn’t had any damaging effect on our relationship.
There’s so much more to intimacy than sex. That’s what makes a stable loving relationship. We try to focus on acts of service for each other – speaking each other’s love language. So it might be a massage, it’s definitely consistent communication even when we’re exhausted, it’s touch – lots of hugs and kisses, it’s checking in with each other during the day and debriefing anything that’s needed. We send each other squillions of reels and watch each other laugh. Sometimes it’s just lying together, spending quality time together. Other times, it’s getting out of the house for a walk or coffee together. We also do at-home date nights (usually a movie and snacks) and actual going-out date nights.
We’ve been together almost 11 years and there are so many contributing factors to how often we’re having sex. Sometimes it’s twice in a day, sometimes weekly and sometimes three-monthly. A lot of things play a part in that: we have children, we’ve both had mental health issues which have meant anti-depressants … which also mean a non-existent libido. Sometimes we’re just exhausted from work – and sometimes it’s just life.
I guess there’s some importance and truth in the need for sex to be a part of a relationship – but what’s more important is knowing that there’s no “normal”. What fits well for one couple doesn’t for another. You find what works in your relationship and keep the lines of communication very open and you’ll be on your way. We’re happy with where we are at – but we also know there’s room for improvement. We can recognise that it’s the fault of neither us that we’ve let things slide. Life happens. We’ve had a bad run of luck and sometimes you just have to do what you do to survive and regroup when you can. Being able to recognise that there’s room for improvement is healthy in itself.
Life is always changing and we’re at a stage where sex is not our top priority but we know it’s not forever. As they say, the only thing that is constant is change. In the meantime, communication, regular touch, fun activities where you can just let down your hair and be in each other’s company are vital.
I don’t think anyone should feel like a failure for not having sex “enough”. There is more to a strong healthy relationship than sex and it all ebbs and flows. Small things are everything – an impromptu kiss on the cheek, a hug, a massage, leaving little notes, making cups of tea, and just checking in on each other. Always keep up strong communication with each other and the rest will follow.
Holly, 44, Interior decorator
My husband and I have been together for five years. We share his daughter from a previous marriage and we have a toddler and a baby together.
When we first started dating we had sex every time we met up and went on a date – so two or three times a week – which felt like a “normal” amount to me, though I wanted it more.
When we moved in together a few months later however, we had shared custody of his daughter – and as all parents know the exhaustion that comes with parenting can often affect your sex life.
My husband is also 10 years older than me, in his mid-50s – so I’ve always wondered if his age could play a part in his having a lower libido with me.
In the months that followed after we moved in together, I did express to my husband that I wasn’t satisfied or content with how often we were having sex, and that I hated how it made me feel like we were just “parents” – as a opposed to a relatively new, intimate couple outside of raising his daughter.
I also carry a lot of trauma from my previous long-term relationship. My last partner before my husband I was with for four years, and while I’m not sure if he also had an incredibly low libido or he just wasn’t physically attracted to me – we would go months and months without having sex.
And whenever I raised it, he’d blame me. He’d come up with reasons such as I was going out with my friends too much, or not going out with my friends enough, or not wearing sexy enough pyjamas.
I have long stopped wearing sexy lingerie for my husband – as I don’t think he cares, and I’m a mother who simply can’t be bothered and finds it uncomfortable – and now wear schlubby track pants or stained T-shirts around the house and to bed.
I shave my legs once in a blue moon, never wear makeup because I hate the feeling of it, and don’t care about peeing in front of my husband if he’s also in the bathroom showering. I never give any of these “comfortable” things a second thought – except when I proposition my husband for sex, and he rejects my advances.
That’s when the trauma from my previous relationship crops up again for me. I feel self-conscious and worried about how comfortable I am around him and if that’s the reason he might not find me desirable. I feel hurt, ashamed and sexually worthless. I try to remind myself it’s because he’s tired from the demands of work and parenting – but it doesn’t really make the pain go away.
And although my libido has definitely decreased after going on anti-depressants a few years ago, it hasn’t decreased to his level, and I wish we were having more sex.
I miss feeling like a desirable woman outside of being the mother of his children – and while I love my husband and would never want to not be with him – I sometimes fantasise about back when I was single, and men wanted to sleep with me.
He’s also by nature not very physically affectionate – it’s definitely not his love language – so I often crave being touched, so that I’d feel like he still desires and loves me in a romantic way – not just as his partner in raising kids. But we maintain some level of intimacy by holding hands when we’re out and about and cuddling on the couch. We still kiss multiple times a day, but it’s always just a little peck, never a proper smooch. It’s not like I want to be pashing in front of the kids or anything, but a little make-out sesh could be fun sometimes – especially when we don’t have the time or energy for sex.
I’ve floated the idea of seeing a sex therapist to find a way to align our mismatched libidos and prioritise sex – but we’ve decided to wait until our baby and toddler are a bit older. We reckon no one’s really having sex when they’re parents of tiny children and we shouldn’t put pressure on ourselves when life is hectic enough and our marriage is still in a great place without having sex.
We stay really intimate via verbal communication. We talk all day every day, little chit-chats and big talks about how we’re feeling in our relationship. So, while I wish we were more physically intimate, I always feel incredibly close and connected to him because we’re best friends who share absolutely everything with each other.
My advice to other couples – particularly ones with small children and big jobs – is find a way to stay intimate even if it’s not physically. We always prioritise date night – and while that’s never a sexy escapade in a hotel; we’re actually yet to have a night away from our babies – we always come home feeling utterly in love. In my opinion, talking is the most important form of intimacy and connects you way more than just connecting your bits.
Felicity, 35, student and part-time office worker
I’ve been with my partner for 16 years and sex these days really varies – sometimes it’s once a week, but more commonly it’s once a month … if we’re lucky.
Everything changes after having kids. I didn’t have much sex drive, especially with breastfeeding. Our relationship was really crappy for at least the first year after having each of our two children. And I breastfed both of them until they were over 2.
I was surprised by how much my sex drive returned when I stopped breastfeeding. But with lack of sleep and lack of energy, it feels hard to find the time and inclination. Also, my husband is a shift worker, so sometimes we’re like ships in the night. We still sleep in the same bed and always have – but sometimes our 2-year-old is in there as well, which isn’t conducive to romance.
We try to maintain intimacy in little ways – I try to remember to kiss him when I’m leaving the house. It’s easy to kids the kids goodbye and forget about him. That sounds mean but it’s not intentional and I bet it’s something every parent can identify with. And I hug him even if I don’t feel like it. It’s surprising, if you force yourself to hug someone, how nice it can feel.
I try to keep up all those small intimacies every day – but in all honesty it’s probably once or twice a week. You get busy and caught up with life and you just keep trucking on. You have to remember to stop and slow down. That is easier said than done.
We used to be more touchy-feely and hands-on. I felt like he was proud to show me off in public and I guess that’s slowly whittled away over the years. It might be nice to get that back a bit more. But then at the same time, I can feel so “touched out” with the kids that it’s nice to have my own space and not be touched. It’s a Catch-22.
I’ve never really considered whether we have the right balance of intimacy and sex in our relationship. I sometimes worry that my husband might get frustrated if I don’t want to have sex so we make sure we are communicating and talking about how we feel. The idea of trying to make the stars align so sex happens more just feels like too much hard work right now. I have enough on my plate. I think I’m okay with our level of intimacy without sex. I get that regular sex is considered important in a relationship – but whoever is managing that must be miracle workers.
Jessie, 36, graphic designer
We really try to prioritise intimacy rather than sex. We have showers together, naked cuddles and sometimes long “just hold me, I’m tired” cuddles. We enjoy it and we like being cheeky with each other. It’s super fun and doesn’t worry us that it’s not about sex – it feels like it’s about more than that.
We have two young children aged 3 and 20 months old. I felt like I was pregnant for a long time with my son, then we were in the depths of sleep deprivation and bed-sharing with our children, which meant sexy time was on hold for a good chunk of time. Nowadays we still sleep in separate beds – I’m still exclusively breastfeeding my son to sleep most nights and my hubby bed shares with our daughter.
We’ve been together seven years and now have sex twice a month at best. My whole mindset around sex shifted after I had children. To a degree regular sex sounds great – but sometimes it’s just not possible when you have babies. I don’t think there should be any pressure on mums feeling like they have to be having sex.
I read recently a therapist who pointed out how odd it is that we as a society think intimacy in a relationship can’t exist without sex, when we all know that sex can exist without intimacy. What is far more important is a secure, healthy relationship where both people are happy – whether that means sex three times a day or once a year.
And so we try to make sure we have these intimate moments each week – we both initiate it but especially my hubby for naked showers! And sometimes those intimate moments do lead to sex – great if they do, but great if they don’t. My biggest advice is to just get a bit cheeky and naughty. Even better if it includes a bottle of shiraz – ride the wave!
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